My friend said his dog retrieved a
Frisbee he threw over a mile away
—I don't know, that seems
pretty far-fetched.

I asked my girlfriend to hand
me the newspaper.
She said, "Don't be silly,
use my iPad!"
That spider never knew what hit him.


"Honey, we're out of food."
"Don't worry babe,
I have a contingency plan."
"Why are you lookin' at me
like that?"

"Please remove your shoes."
ME: Don't be ridiculous,
I'm not a terrorist!
"Sir, do you want to use the
bouncy castle or not?"

This forest scent air freshener
is really working great.
Two bears and a raccoon have
moved into my living room.

The best thing about telepathy is...
I know, right?


I broke a light bulb today.
Seven years of bad ideas?


Apparently, I snore so loud
it scares everyone riding in my car.


When I was young,
I was afraid of the dark.
I just got my electric bill and
now I'm afraid of the light.


Anything worth doing
is worth doing rihgt.


My windows frozen.
Try a bucket of warm water.
Thanks, now my whole
computer doesn't work.


I wanna be buried in a
spring-loaded coffin with
tons of confetti.
In the future, some archaeologist
is gonna have an awesome day.


I usually don't spank children
in Walmart but yours were
just asking for it.


My doctor told me to avoid
unnecessary stress,
so I stopped going to doctors.


Someone recently called me a
shameless self-promoter.
Can you believe it?
Me... Barry Hanson...
dot com


I didn't make it to the gym today.
Dang, that makes five years in a row.