I don't have a girlfriend. But I know a girl that would get really mad
if she heard me say that.

My three favorite things are eating my guitar and not using commas.

I don't mean to brag but I just put a puzzle together in one day
that the box said 2-4 YEARS.

HER TEXT: Your so funny, smart & handsome... how RU still single?

ME: *You're.

Education is important, but playing a guitar is importanter.

The shoe salesman showed me shoes with Velcro fasteners.
I asked "Why Velcro?"
He replied "Why Knot?"

The only thing harder than waiting on God is wishing you had.

They told me I was gullible…and I BELIEVED them!!!

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself,
I'd choose: "Doesn't follow instructions."

The only thing Flat-Earthers fear is sphere itself.

My friend said his dog retrieved a
Frisbee he threw over a mile away
—I don't know, that seems
pretty far-fetched.


YA'LL KNOW it's bad luck to be superstitious...
right?

I have an inferiority complex,
but it’s not a very good one.

I asked my girlfriend to hand
me the newspaper.
She said, "Don't be silly,
use my iPad!"
That spider never knew what hit him.

NOAH'S WIFE:
"Honey, we're out of food."
NOAH:
"Don't worry babe,
I have a contingency plan."
UNICORN:
"Why are you lookin' at me
like that?"

"Please remove your shoes."
ME: Don't be ridiculous,
I'm not a terrorist!
"Sir, do you want to use the
bouncy castle or not?"


This forest scent air freshener
is really working great.
Two bears and a raccoon have
moved into my living room.

The best thing about telepathy is...
I know, right?

I broke a light bulb today.
Seven years of bad ideas?

Apparently, I snore so loud
it scares everyone riding in my car.

When I was young,
I was afraid of the dark.
I just got my electric bill and
now I'm afraid of the light.

Anything worth doing
is worth doing rihgt.

I wanna be buried in a
spring-loaded coffin with
tons of confetti.
In the future, some archaeologist
is gonna have an awesome day.

I usually don't spank children
in Walmart but yours were
just asking for it.

My doctor told me to avoid
unnecessary stress,
so I stopped going to doctors.

I didn't make it to the gym today.
Dang, that makes five years in a row.

Someone recently called me a
shameless self-promoter.
Can you believe it?
Me?
Barry Hanson? ....dot com